Finding Noel

I've been doing a lot of thinking in recent days. I think the primary driving force is the book I'm reading: "Finding Noel" by Richard Paul Evans. If it was movie, it might be called a "chick flik" - I'm not sure. In any case, it has a lot of interesting thoughts and insights about life. It's a moving piece, which I would recommend to you. The thoughts and insights are especially poignant to me at this time..... possibly because I've been sick for a couple of weeks - I just can't seem to shake it - whatever it is. I'm facing surgery this next Friday to have my shoulder fixed (rotator cuff). I've been living with lack of use of this shoulder and varying degrees of pain since this summer. Not to mention that Christmas is not sneaking up on me, it's coming like a freight train, and I'm not ready. So it seems quite unlikely that I'll be "Finding Noel"....in terms of readiness and peace and serenity. This scenario is presenting an opportunity for me to remember what the real meaning of the holiday is....it's NOT about gifts and perfection of preparation. It IS about the gift of being with those I love, about seeing the tiny smile behind Evan's pacifier, about possibly spending our last Christmas together as a family in this house where we've lived for twenty years, about the birth of the Christ Child, about each of us living through another year in spite of challenges and joys......

The book "Finding Noel", among other things, deals with forgiveness. I have been unwilling, and still am, to forgive the parties who made our lives so difficult by letting our new home be ruined with water. I'm not sure if I'm unable or if I'm unwilling. But one can't forgive without effort, and so far, I haven't been willing to make the effort to forgive the parties. Terry Pluto, a writer for the Cleveland Plain dealer, wrote an article some weeks ago about forgiveness. He suggested that if we spent more time "thanking" and less time "thinking", we would be more able to forgive.

And then there is the "You Just Never Know" (YJNK) syndrome - which G and I often talk about. You just never know what someone is dealing with. I'm sure of that first hand - there have been times when I/we have walked through life with smiles on our faces, but in our lives we were dealing with powerful challenges, heartbreaking challenges. Perhaps I/we were not as kind to others as we might have been because of our own burdens.

I was reminded about "You Just Never Know" (YJNK) recently when we were planning the kitchen for the new house. Part of the kitchen cabinets were moldy, so we decided to just redo the kitchen since there would be significant cost to pulling the cabinets out and putting them back. Thus began a huge project. We were working with T to design the kitchen. He is such a compassionate person. At the same time, the experience of working with T was incredibly frustrating. G and I would cover a detail about the kitchen, and the next time we went to an appointment, we'd have to redo the same detail, because T had forgotten or lost his notes or whatever. If I tried to figure out how many hours we spent on the project, it would be impossible. Hours and hours and hours. Finally, the project got finished and the cabinets were ordered. G stopped by the store for some detail and sat down to visit with T. The conversation took various twists and turns, but in the end T ended up sharing with G that he (T) was involved in a serious auto accident in 1995. The accident almost claimed his life. Although he survived, he suffered some brain damage. In spite of the fact that he almost has a doctorate, his opportunities for employment have been very limited. So he is designing kitchens. And forgetting details. And frustrating people like G and myself. YJNK.

YJNK - there is snow here....G is out of town. I'm unable to do anything about the snow because of my shoulder. I'd checked the weather forecast and determined that next Tuesday the tempertature is supposed to be 40, so the snow would melt. I'd hoped I could last that long with snow on the walk and the drive - and hoped it wouldn't turn to ice. I woke up this morning and the walk and driveway were cleared. How could that be? We pay someone to clear the snow occasionally, but we always place a call to request the service. Then I went out to go to the drugstore. The "angel" had cleared my car as well. A random act of kindness - YJNK.

At the drugstore, I once again encountered J, the pharmacist. I asked a question, and once again - as always for the past 20 years, his response was short, uncaring and totally unhelpful. We have been so frustrated with J that we have actually changed pharmacies to avoid him. Only at times when I simply don't have the energy to drive the extra distance (like today) am I willing to use J's pharmacy. For 20 years, yes, 20 years..... I've considered reporting this unpleasant person to the management or even calling the corporate office to complain. It seems that he makes our lives so difficult at the times we have the least energy. For some reason, however, I've never taken the step of reporting him.

As I was fuming again today with anger and frustration about his behavior, I thought.......YJNK. Who knows what is going on with J......does he have a handicapped child at home? Was he fostered or abused or neglected as a child? Did he have some traumatic experience in a war? YJNK. For now, I decided to just let if go and extend some forgiveness to J. After all, YJNK.

I'm going to return to my quest of "Finding Noel" and try to remind myself.....YJNK.